Steele Not Dead
by KSteinart
Summary: Mexican Honeymoon rewritten to follow my Steele Bonding.


**Steele Not Dead  
**By K. Steinart**  
  
**

This continues my version of Season 5. It changes the Mexican honeymoon to be compatible with my after wedding story Steele Bonding'.   
The Steele that Wouldn't Die' was written by Brad Kern and original episode material is in italics.  
  
DISCLAIMER: This "Remington Steele" story is not-for-profit and is purely for entertainment purposes. I do not own the characters and am in no way affiliated with "Remington Steele," it's creators, producers or distributors.  
**  
**_Remington and Laura took the flight Mildred had scheduled, ending up in tourist class, having no limo, taking the small plane and then the bus, which was shot at by Malvados and ended up in the jungle at the Hotel Del Amour. They were given the Penthouse suite' and the mosquito netting and went up to their room. They were hot, tired, and frustrated at the travel mixups.The tiny room had no window glass, or any amenities. Paint was peeling off of the walls. Laura tossed her hat aside, then removed her jacket and belt, throwing them onto the floor. Steele hung his head in exhaustion.  
"Okay," she muttered, picking up the netting. She reached up to tie it to the light bulb hanging from the ceiling but the fixture fell from the ceiling, sending a shower of plaster onto her head. Laura began to laugh, and Steele joined her. They wound up lying on the bed, side by side, laughing.  
_This has got to be the worst place I have EVER been. Laura said.  
Unfortunately I can't say the same. Remington replied. In fact, at times, this would have been a luxury to me.   
Oh, I'm sorry. Rolling to her side, she leaned over and kissed him.   
Don't be, he said, pulling her into his arms and kissing her back. My past isn't your fault.  
It isn't yours either.  
Well some of it was. Thinking about the past was bringing him down. Let's think about the future instead eh? At least that is something we can have some control over.  
We didn't seem to have much control over our futures today.  
No. Everything seems to have gone wrong hasn't it? Let's see if we can turn that around. He rolled over, placing Laura on her back, partially under him. They kissed, but in a few seconds Laura broke it off.  
_Was that your foot on my leg? she asked warily. Remington shook his head . Laura jumped up, brushing off her leg and looking about. _Ugh! I am NOT getting back into that bed.  
Well, that will definitely not do. Remington stood up and took her in his arms. Calm down. We don't have to stay. Let's take the bus to Las Hadas, _if they have telephones they must have other amenities.  
_Like windows with glass? Ceilings that stay put? Beds without bugs?  
Anything for my bride.  
Then what are we waiting for? Let's get moving Mr. Steele.  
They grabbed their luggage and headed back downstairs._  
  
They tried to check out but ran into the problem with the pesos. Remington left Laura behind to take the jeep into Las Hadas. He crashed the jeep, and finished his trip on foot, arriving at the golf course filthy and tired. Meanwhile Tony saved' Laura from Malvados, they plunged over the falls and then Laura and Tony argued their way through the jungle. Remington found the Hotel, secured the Honeymoon suite, but could not get a car to retrieve Laura. He had an unpleasant encounter with Keyes in the hotel lobby._  
  
_Steele, now showered and wearing clean clothes, was on the telephone consulting Mildred about what went wrong with the travel plans.The doorbell rang and he opened the door to find a dirty, ragged Laura, wearing a man's jacket over her dress_.   
"Laura, darling what happened? How did you get here? Laura entered the suite looking worn out. Remington pushed the door shut with his foot as he turned, taking her in his arms. I was so worried about you spending the night alone in that place. Thank God you're all right! Just then there was another knock at the door. Who in the world?  
Oh, that would be the reason I'm here.  
Remington reached back with one hand and opened the door.  
_"Excuse me, my jacket?" Tony entered the room.  
Laura looked embarrassed. "Oh. Sorry." She took it off and gave it back to him. "Thanks."  
"You're welcome."   
_"Laura?", Steele asked as he put his hands protectively on her shoulders.  
_"He's the reason I'm here," she repeated.  
"Oh. In that case, I'm eternally grateful. Mr. um?"  
"Roselli. Anthony Roselli. My friends call me Tony," He held out a hand to Steele, who looked him over uncertainly before taking the hand.  
"Yes, I'm sure they do. Remington Steele, _you've already met my wife Laura." He accentuated the point by tapping the rings on her left hand. "You both look exhausted. Come in and sit down." They all went into the main room."Would you like some champagne?" Remington picked up the bottle on the table.   
_"Got a beer?" Tony asked _as he sat in a chair.  
_Steele paused while pouring another glass._ "No. I guess I could order some.  
That's all right. This will do. Tony took the glass Remington was offering.  
You both look in quite a state, how did you get here? Remington asked as he poured another glass and handed it to Laura. Remington sat beside her on the couch, taking up his own glass.  
_"You wouldn't believe what we've been through," Laura said. "I was chased by malvados, then Tony- Mr. Roselli- fought them off, and we fell into some rapids and cascaded over a waterfall. We macheted our way through a jungle to some old ruins. They're called monuments down here," she remembered, glancing at Tony.  
Sounds like a veritable 'Romancing the Stone'," Steele noted.  
"What?" Tony asked.  
"Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, 20th Century Fox, 1985," Steele cited, sipping his wine.  
"Oh?" Tony said looking confused.  
_Remington put an arm around Laura. Sounds like you've had quite the afternoon. I knew I shouldn't have left you there. He brushed her hair back from her eyes.  
Oh well, it's all water under the bridge now. Laura shrugged.  
Or over the falls, Tony added. Laura smiled.   
It's a good thing Mr. Roselli was there, even if I couldn't be, Remington said uneasily.  
So tell me Mr. Steele, why are you here but your wife is in the jungle 30 miles away?"  
"Mix up in reservations. We accidentally got rerouted."  
You ended up here and she there? Tony was confused That's hard to do.  
No no, Laura said. We were both at the Hotel Del Amour, accidentally, but we didn't have pesos, so Harry had to leave to go get some because the bus doesn't run until Thursday. Naturally they made me stay until he got back. Tony's eyebrows went up her explanation. She had obviously not cleared up his confusion.  
We're on our honeymoon, Remington added.  
Of course you are, Tony said. "_So I'd better shove off." He stood and headed toward the entry. "Look it's been real nice meeting you both."_ _Laura and Remington saw him to the door.  
__Why don't you join us for dinner?" Remington offered. "It's the least I can do to thank you for saving my wife."  
"No," Laura said quickly. "He has to get back to the ruins."  
"They're called monuments down here, Laura," Tony reminded her, his gaze on Steele.  
"No matter what they're called, you should be getting back."  
"I could always eat," Tony assured them.  
"Splendid," Steele said. "Ten o'clock? The terrace?"  
"You got it," Tony agreed, shaking Steele's hand again.  
"I look forward to breaking bread with you, Anthony."  
"Me too," Tony told him, then, with a final glance at Laura, he left.  
"Why did you invite him to dinner? A simple 'thank you' would have sufficed.", Laura admonished.  
_"It's the least we could do after all of his help today." Remington reached out to take her in his arms. Besides we have almost two hours to ourselves yet.  
He kissed her, but she did not kiss him back. Laura, what's the matter? I can catch him and cancel dinner if it bothers you so much.  
No. It's not the dinner, she said quietly.  
Well then what is it?  
"It's just...you were sitting here having champagne."  
You don't want me drinking? Remington didn't get her point.  
No. You were HERE. You didn't drive back and get me!  
Oh no love. I really wanted to, honest, I tried everything.  
Tried? What was there to try? You get the pesos. You get back into the jeep and you return. It should have taken no more than 3 hours tops, even with bad roads.  
I don't have the jeep, Remington explained quietly.  
  
The bloody thing blew it's brakes and I ended up in some muddy swamp about 20 miles from here. I had to walk through the jungle myself just to get here.  
  
I tried to get a taxi, or a car, or something to come back. But they said I had to wait until morning. Malvados you know.  
Damn Malvados. This time she hugged him back and kissed him.  
And to top off a perfectly horrible day, some other guy gets to save you while I'm stuck sitting here and worrying.  
Nice place to be stuck. She looked around appreciatively. These are quite sharp. She indicated the new pants and shirt he was wearing. This isn't what you were wearing when you left The Hotel Del Amour.  
These are new, from the shop in the lobby. Mine look quite a bit like this. He indicated what she was wearing. Why don't you slip into a nice long shower and I'll run over an pick up some new clothes for you?  
Sounds wonderful. Laura gave him a long passionate kiss. But hurry back. Okay?  
  
A short time later Remington returned with a shopping bag. he called, going into the bedroom. I'm back. Laura's muddy clothes were on a chair, but there was no other sign of her. He looked in the adjoining bathroom. It was steamy, but no Laura. He returned to the main room. he called again.  
The French doors to the patio opened. Right here. These patios are quite private, aren't they? The pool out here is really lovely.  
A stunned Remington dropped the bag he was holding. Laura, sans clothing, beckoned him to join her.  
Ah, we may salvage this honeymoon yet, he said as he headed for the patio.  
  
Night had fallen and there were lights on under the water in the pool. Laura was floating in Remington's arms.  
Maybe I'd better cancel that dinner after all. Remington said pushing some of Laura's floating hair out of the way so he could kiss her ear.   
Laura sighed.No. That would be rude.   
  
So we will be here a whole week and we need to eat anyway to keep up our strength. She rolled over and kissed him.   
I suppose you're right. Mustn't keep our company waiting. Reluctantly he released her and climbed out of the pool.  
  
_Remington, Laura, and Tony were seated at an outdoor table at the Terrace restaurant above the main Hotel pool._  
_"Tell me, Tony, what made you choose archeology?" Laura asked.  
"Well, I kinda got into it sideways."   
"Always an interesting position." Laura smiled at Steele. _Under the table his hand was on her knee.  
_"What I mean is that I started out as a baseball player. I pitched three years triple A, hurt my arm, I was outa there."  
"A baseball player. Isn't that fascinating, dear?" _She ran a foot up Remington's leg.  
_"Yes, well, Anthony's a fascinating fellow dear." _Laura and Remington were exchanging looks, neither one really paying attention to Tony.  
_"So, you went from, um, bats to bones," Steele said _realizing they were being rude.   
_Tony grinned. "It doesn't pay much, but I do get to travel a lot."  
A waiter brought a bottle of wine indicating it was sent by Keyes, who was at a nearby table. "  
Steele grabbed the bottle of wine and headed for Keyes.  
"Friend of yours?" Tony asked.  
_"No. An acquaintance from work, the kind you'd rather not have, Laura said._   
Steele put the bottle on Keyes' table. "What's the matter, Steele? You don't want my little gift?" Keyes asked, grinning.  
"It's like you, Keyes, bad vintage."   
"Tell me something Steele, is it strictly a business deal between you and Holt?" He winked. "Or are you getting a little on the side?"  
"You just don't know when to quit, do you, Keyes?"  
"Y'know, she ain't a bad lookin' broad in the right light. If I didn't have anything better to do, I wouldn't mind havin' a go at her myself." He grinned nastily.  
Steele tipped a glass over into Keyes' lap. When he jumped up,Steele threw a punch, sending him over the railing and into the swimming pool on the lower level.  
Tony jumped up, I guess he didn't like the wine." Laura joined him as they went over to Steele.  
Keyes climbed out of the pool as two security guards grabbed Steele and insisted he go with them. Laura wanted to go too. Remington shook his head.   
"Keyes has just gone for a little swim. Finish your dinner, relax. _I won't be long."_ He left with the guards.  
"Just give him a chance to cool off," Tony suggested, _placing a hand on Laura's shoulder to keep her from following._ "He'll be alright."  
"Let's get out of here." Laura took off and Tony followed her.  
_  
_"The first order of business," Fernando , the head of hotel security, told Steele, "is to get Señor Keyes not to press any charges."  
"He's lucky he fell off the balcony, or he wouldn't be alive to press charges." The guards called in to say they couldn't find Keyes, so no charges were filed. Steele shrugged. "In that case, it's been lovely."   
"Please. For all concerned. Stay away from Señor Keyes," Fernando warned.  
"You tell him to stay away from me, Señor." Steele left.  
_  
  
Laura was walking up the beach,Tony walked with her_.   
"You wanna talk about it?" Tony asked.  
"It's another long story."  
"I got time."  
"Look, you don't have to baby sit me, Tony." She stopped and faced him. "I'll be fine, really. And so will Mr. Steele."  
"You call him 'Mr. Steele'?"   
She laughed. "Oh. He used to be my boss."  
"Well, now he's your husband."  
"Old habits die hard."  
"I guess so."  
"I know I've said it already, but, thanks. For everything." She offered him her hand.  
He slowly took her hand and shook it, but kept holding it as he pointed at her and said, "Stay out of trouble."  
_I will, she said._ Tony stood there and watched her walk away._  
  
_Steele let himself into the suite and stopped, seeing Keyes lying on the floor, a broken lamp beside him. He closed the door._  
he yelled frantically. Laura are you here? He ran from room to room searching, but the suite was empty. Going back to the foyer, he checked on the Keyes. _There's no pulse, and when Steele put a hand to the back of Keyes' head, it came away with blood on it._   
Oh Laura, what have you done? And if you hurt her at all, he told the body, I'll kill you a second time.  
Just then the door opened and Laura walked in, seeing Remington bent over the body. She put a hand to her mouth to stifle a scream and quickly shut the door.  
What in the world have you done?   
Me? I thought you.  
Why would I hit him?  
He's dead.   
Oh god, no! What happened?   
I don't know. I left the security office, you weren't at the table, so I came here thinking you'd come back to wait for me. He was here, like this, when I arrived.  
And you think I killed him? Laura was confused.  
At the restaurant he said some ugly things about you. About you and he...that's why I hit him. I thought maybe he'd broken in here to attack you. Remington was quite overwrought thinking about what might have happened.  
I took a walk on the beach to clear my head and give you time to cool off. I'm fine.  
Then who? Remington pointed to Keyes.  
I don't know. You didn't touch that lamp did you?  
  
Good. It may give the police some clues. Fingerprints hopefully.  
Police? You're going to call the police? Remington stood up, panicking.  
Don't you think it's warranted? There is a dead body in our room.  
Yes. A dead body I'll get blamed for killing. I hit this man in a public place and threatened his life to the security guards.   
Laura embraced him, trying to get him to calm down. I know. I know. But we can't hide him. Maybe the evidence left here will acquit you, she said soothingly.  
Remington didn't like the sound of that.  
Darling you didn't do it. She looked into his eyes for confirmation.  
No I didn't.  
Then the evidence will be on our side. I can work with the police to find the real killer.  
You? Where will I be? Remington asked cautiously, not wanting to know.  
In jail probably.  
The Hotel Del Amour is looking better and better all the time.  
  
_Laura entered the cell area of the Las Hadas jail. Steele was sitting on the cot against the far wall. "You all right?" she asked through the bars.  
"Um hmm," he muttered, and then waved away a mosquito. "You wouldn't happen to have that mosquito netting handy,would you?"  
_ She smiled bravely. Try to keep your spirits up.  
How is the investigation going?  
Slowly, but I am making some headway. _Keyes was at the Hotel Del Amor the day before we arrived_." Laura told him.  
_"What?"  
"It appears as though you've been following him across Mexico."  
"_Laura_, that's why our travel plans changed," _Steele came over to the bars. Any chance of getting me out of here so I can help you?  
_"No chance. I've already checked." _She touched his hand through the bars._  
I'm not gonna sit in this jail and watch them build my gallows outside Laura," _  
"It won't come to that. She tried to sound confident, but she was feeling a bit nervous about it too.  
I feel so bloody useless just sitting in here. Remington smacked his hand on the bars.  
I know. Hang in there and pray. She kissed his hand _Pray that I'm as good a detective as I claim to be."  
I'm counting on it Laura_  
  
_Tony ,Mildred and Laura worked to find clues to free Remington, but only managed to increase the charges against him. Mildred helped Steele break out of jail and everyone discovered Danielle Scribner was the killer and that they had to prove it before she collected the body and returned to the states. They decided to steal Keyes' body to stop her, but discovered he was cremated . Only they thought he was still alive.  
"Keyes faked his own murder. Just the way Barry Fitzgerald did in 'And Then There Were None'," Remington said.  
"But you saw him dead," Mildred insisted.  
Laura looked up at Steele. "The Devil's Playground."   
Steele nodded. "Precisely."  
Tony sat forward to say to Mildred, "These two have a hell of a code."  
"And I pity the guy who tries to crack it," she warned him.  
Tony smiled as Laura told them, "A few years ago, Tony, we had a similar case, where a so-called victim feigned her own death with the drug digitalis leaf."  
  
Keyes had changed their travel plans, to make it look as if Steele were following him.  
And then staged enough public confrontations to give the police all the motive they needed to arrest Remington for his murder. His accomplice, who made it look as if Keyes had been cremated,which made it absolutely impossible for anyone to prove he wasn't really dead."  
  
Tony sat forward. "All this because he thought your marriage wasn't legit?"  
"Among other things," Laura said.  
"Such as a two million dollar life insurance pay-off," Steele said.  
"Plus the twisted satisfaction of knowing that Remington was rotting in a Mexican jail for a murder that never was."  
_  
_Laura and Steele hid behind a wall as Danielle returned to her room. She entered, and stopped in her tracks as she saw the urn sitting on a table. She slammed the door angrily.  
"Uh huh," Steele told her. "Well, it's just a matter of moment now before she goes running to Keyes."  
Dawn broke, and an exhausted Steele sat beside the wall. Laura lowered herself to his side, slapping at a mosquito. "She hasn't moved," she told him.  
He yawned. "I wanted to say we were up all night on our honeymoon_, but this is not quite what I had in mind," he said, looking at her. She smiled and leaned tiredly on his shoulder, hugging his arm as he kept watch.   
Um by the way Laura, there is something else that I didn't expect on our Honeymoon. Spending it in the bushes? Laura guessed.  
Tony appeared across the courtyard. Remington said pointing. Laura blushed. See, he has you all flustered. He ran a hand down her red cheek.  
I ah, don't know what to say... she stammered.  
Reassuring me he means nothing to you would be a good start.  
He means nothing to me, Laura said quickly.  
Then why the blushing?  
Well, he IS good looking and he saved my life and all, Laura hedged. It is quite flattering when an attractive member of the opposite sex flirts a little.  
He's been flirting with you?  
No, not really. He has been helping me with your case though.   
Remington scowled.  
He means nothing to me, Laura repeated. Really. It is just some harmless talk.   
Remington still looked skeptical.   
she said gently, we are only human after all. Even if we are married, we are not dead. I may do a little window shopping now and then, but I'm not buying.  
Or feeling the merchandise?  
Laura smiled. Only looking, no touching.  
I just wish I could be so sure about his shopping habits, Remington said glumly.  
Why don't we send him a clear message then. Laura pointed to Tony who was coming up the hill toward them. She embraced Remington and kissed him passionately.Tony came through the bushes holding a tray of coffee.   
He cleared his throat. Keeping a sharp eye on the suspect are we?   
Laura pulled back from Steele, leaving a hand on his chest. Oh. Tony. We were just taking a little break.   
He handed her a coffee.   
"Thanks," Laura said.  
He held out a coffee to Steele. Any tea? he asked.  
'Fraid not, Tony replied. Steele took the coffee, smelled it, and makes a resigned face. _"Anything yet?" Tony asked.  
"I think she's sleeping in," Laura told him tiredly sipping coffee._  
_Suddenly Mildred joined them. "Boy, this is one crowded bush."  
"Mildred, why aren't you manning the switchboard?"  
"Because the niece called for an airport taxi. She's heading back for LA."  
_  
_They then noticed Danielle preparing to leave in a hotel taxi. Mildred and Tony followed Danielle. Laura and Steele stayed to watch for Keyes.  
_  
_Mildred kept Danielle from leaving the airport by saying she took her urn. Tony collaborated her story.  
_  
_Laura and Steele followed Keyes red Topaz to a seaside Villa, where it left Keyes' luggage and drove away. From a window in the house, they saw Keyes run up the beach to a boat . They chased him as the police caught up to them and started shooting. They followed the boat to a dock and saw the bus. They figured he was heading for the little airstrip they came in on and stole the bus to chase him. The police chased them, still shooting. Keyes made it to a small plane and tried to take off, but Steele ran down the runway in the bus causing him to crash . Keyes jumped out of the plane and Steele chased him, caught him, and punched him. The police caught up and demanded that Steele raise his hands, Steele did and Keyes slipped away. Shots were fired. Malvados had killed Keyes. A Keyes that was supposedly killed and cremated several days ago._  
  
  
_At the airport, Tony was with Laura and Steele as Mildred came up to them. "Okay, it took a few pesos, but I got 'em to bump a couple out of first class." She handed them the tickets. "Here you go."  
"Great, Mildred," Steele said, taking them. "Great."  
"How are you traveling, Mildred?" Laura wanted to know.  
"Tourist," she told her. "Oh, I figure three's a crowd on a honeymoon."  
Steele glanced at Tony. "Well, three seems to be par for the course on this honeymoon, doesn't it?"  
Tony looked pleased with himself.  
"Oh, listen," Mildred said, looking at her watch. "We gotta get going."  
"Okay. Well, Anthony, it's been an experience. I'll never be able to look back on my honeymoon without thinking of you."  
Tony laughed.  
Laura extended her hand. "I can't thank you enough for all your help."  
"It's been my pleasure," he told her.   
"Heading back for the monuments?" Laura asked Tony.  
"As soon as your plane takes off."  
"Well, goodbye," she said, smiling  
"Adios," Steele said, shaking Tony's hand.  
"Bye, Remington."  
"Happy digging'!" Mildred added as they turned away.  
He waved at them until they were out of sight. Then he turned and went to the nearest counter. "When's your next flight to Los Angeles?"  
_  
Remington pulled Laura aside halfway down the corridor. Mildred winked and kept on walking. What in the world?' Laura said.   
Shh, just wait here quietly Laura   
Wait for what?   
For the flight to leave.  
Our flight?   
  
Why?  
Because then HE will leave and then WE can leave.  
You are making absolutely no sense! Laura sputtered. Remington showed her the tickets Mildred had handed him. But these are for Sunday.   
Precisely my dear. Vigilante Insurance was very grateful to us for revealing a fraud and saving them millions on Keyes' Insurance.They are picking up the tab for our entire trip. Including the rest of the week in the honeymoon suite. And once Anthony leaves, we are free to return to the Hotel, minus our third wheel.  
Excellent Mr. Steele.  
I thought so.  
In just forty five minutes or so that private pool will be ours once more.  
What shall we do in the meantime? Laura asked.  
Remington turned and pinned her against the wall. Practice, Laura he kissed her   
  
The End   
  
  
My version of season 5 continues with Steele Holting On'


End file.
